Monday, October 8, 2012

Hard Day

My day started out well enough. I spent the afternoon in my craft room and got several projects underway.  Then my little guy came home from school and my husband shows me the note from the teacher.  Evan is stimming...  he's been doing this blinking thing for about 3-4 weeks now and his pediatrician told us it's just a phase most kids go through and to not worry about it much.  Now the past week or so he's started this thing where he's looking at things from the corner of his eyes.  He still has great eye contact with me and is engaged with me as well as always, but I've been a little concerned about these new things. Then the note from the teacher today about how concerned she is about Evan and that "it's getting more often and more intense." And how glad she is to read my note back to her that told her I had an appointment with his developmental neurologist in January because his autism issues.

I've had as hard a time as any mommy who loves her little one would with accepting the fact that my child has special needs and I struggle watching him around other children his age who are "typical" (non-special needs). It just stabs me in the heart at times when I worry about his future or if he would be bullied at school if he went to a "regular" school and at times when adults on the street look at him with "that look" that says they're trying to figure out "what's wrong" with my child.  For ME, I wouldn't change a thing about my baby boy. I couldn't love him more than I do right now if he were "normal" (not autistic). I worry about his future for him though...

So I've been a nervous wreck ever since my husband read the note from the teacher to me right as I was putting my coat on to go to Bible study.  I got through Bible study well enough and was strong, stopped at Walmart on the way home to pick up a few groceries (ok, and a few craft supplies I needed to finish a few more pillows) then another trial hits...the car.

The head gasket on our car has been leaking on and off for a while now. We've put sealer in it and it'll be ok then it'll leak and the cycle starts all over again. I left Walmart and was heading home and was just coming up on a gas station when the high temp warning went off.  The heat gauge read as high as it could and a red light was blinking the warning to take care of business.  So I pulled in the gas station and got gas, then pulled over to the parking area and sat there...and sat there...and sat...waiting for the temperature gauge to read a low enough number to safely put antifreeze in the car.  I finally did and got back on the road and the temperature gauge started climbing to dangerous heights once again.  I had the heater on full blast (to dissipate the heat) and the windows down, and was driving as fast as I could (thankful to not have a speeding ticket) and got home just as the temperature gauge was sitting at 240 degrees again. Ugh.

It was just ONE MORE thing...the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back today.  I'm spent.  I spent some time with my litle guy and got him to sleep and we played a while and was silly before bed and he seemed just fine to me.  He drifted off to sleep and I cried out to the Lord to heal my little one and to help me to accept His will whatever that may be (hoping against hope that that will included healing my little boy of course).  I'm just an emotional basket case tonight.  My emotions are spent and my wallet is empty.  Too empty to get a new (used) car or our current car repaired (it would cost more to fix the head gasket than the 12 year -almost 13 year old- car is worth).  AND worried that my efforts to sell my crafts online are futile.  I put my first item for sale on Etsy the other day and have only had three views (and they're probably just me). So...worried that I'm busting my brain for nothing, but at the same time trying to hang in there and keep at it and tell myself to be strong and trust the Lord...which is where I am right now...trying to fight off worry and stress and low confidence and doubt and...and...and...

This song could be totally about me.  I've loved and related to it for over 20 years now and it only gets more true the farther along in life I go:


Today I just feel so tired of the struggles...I know the Lord has used me and I know it could be so much worse.  I know tomorrow I'll probably be just fine, but tonight....this warrior is a child...needing her heavenly daddy to make everything ok...

Update:  Logged onto Facebook and got this in my notifications box:


Lord, I hope so...
I don't feel this tonight, but I believe it... I guess that's called faith...


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